Deification and Guilt

Was your spouse perfect? Has he become glorified in your mind since his death? Sometimes the guilt we feel after the death leads us to create a departed God-like person. What is the purpose of creating such asymmetry? What does the asymmetry do for you?

Nearly all of us believe that we were imperfect spouses or caregivers. Women have a learned tendency to self-blame, and certainly as we delve into memories of a departed spouse, we can find many reasons (right or wrong) to do so. Many of us are crushed by guilt as we recapitulate scenarios of a long-term illness, and we can find a need to punish ourselves. 

Sometimes we may feel what’s known as survivor guilt when our husbands have suffered illness and death. The mind creates a logic of its own to help us cope: We idealize the departed, giving him superhuman qualities and a special unassailable legacy, an aura. We debase ourselves and worship the dead person. “He was perfect and I am the lowly survivor. I was not always kind to him and now I have the chance to assuage my guilt by creating a luminous figure whom I can elevate to a deity.”

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Read on: Fear/Anger